“You’ve got to get up every morning with a smile on your face.” Carole King from Beautiful
August 15, 2014 will mark 9 years since I had the AVM/stroke. While I don’t celebrate this day, I do acknowledge it as life-changing (and I drink champagne). Every year for the August post, I update people on where I am and the major events of the year. Some time ago we had several people over and somebody asked if we could choose any profession now, what would it be. Mine was to be a professional baseball player. Not just because I love baseball, but I see it as something where people contribute based on their skills and also they are part of a team. I like that a lot. I would say that’s been a big part of the year, how everything we do and are is a part of something.
We got a different car. I share this because it’s an important part of the journey. We had a Mercedes and I loved it. We got it before I had the stroke and it was more my car. Since I had the stroke, Matt has been doing all the driving. We had lots of miles on the car and it was time to get a different car. Matt got an Acura and he loves it! The biggest difference for me is this — the Mercedes had passenger controls and the Acura does not. Now when someone else is in the passenger side and makes changes, I have to make my own adjustments when I get in. Isn’t that like life? I had one of the first Acuras, so I have great memories. I am also aware of how much things have changed. Isn’t that like life also?
Sometime ago I did a post on memory, this time I want to focus on memories or things as they were. The Facebook application has a concept called throw back. It’s mostly used for pictures taken a while ago. At first I dismissed that whole idea but now I see the value of it. It’s not denial or wishful thinking, I see it as acknowledgment. I think it’s important to remember things (good and bad) as they were. That’s acknowledgement. But realistically it’s mostly good things we remember. Did you ever listen to the lyrics from the theme song that was used by Barbra Streisand in the movie The Way We Were? One of the lines is “memories may be beautiful and yet what’s too painful to remember, we simply to choose to forget.” I would put that in the category of priceless. I’ve said before that there are no pictures of me when I first had the stroke or was at the hospital. (That’s a memory that I don’t need to keep!)
Occasionally I remember my dreams. Recently I had a dream where I did not like the ending. The ending was not negative (actually it was a happy ending) but not realistic like those flying car dreams. I used my memory to change the outcome. It was about shoes and you know I love shoes! I just wanted it to end differently.
As a stroke survivor, I totally get that I will not be the same as I was before the stroke. I think it’s important to acknowledge things. Osiris says “You’re not the same individual you were a year ago, a month ago, or a week ago. You are always growing. Experiences don’t stop. That’s life.” I know the whole thing for me is a fine line about living in the past but I think it’s important to recognize the things that have occurred and have shaped me. I think it’s a great thing to have memories of the past. My heart goes out to people with Alzheimer’s or dementia and what they remember. I value the memories I have. It helps to acknowledge things and people.
I had my stroke when I was 49. I think that’s young to have a stroke. The source of my stroke was an AVM, mine was congenital. I had it at birth. When I think about it having an AVM (before it burst) for 49 years, I think that’s amazing! That’s one of the the main reasons I try to remember and acknowledge things from the past. The past becomes an important part of the future. What if it isn’t a good memory? I have a friend who says “forget the memory but remember the lesson”. Matt had saved the cards that I received when I had the stroke and gave them to my mother who made me a scrap book. I keep that book and just re-looked at it all. How fabulous to know that we are loved so much. That is a great memory!
In the TV show ‘Rizzoli and Isles’ there was a perfect example recently. Last year one of the characters (Lee Thompson Young who played Barry Frost) died in real life. They had filmed the whole season so they did a funeral and a tribute on the second episode of this season (Season 5). Angie Harmon who plays his partner on the show (Jane Rizzoli) did the eulogy at his funeral. She said “death may have taken Barry, but it can’t take our memories of him, those wonderful and perfect and beautiful memories. Those, thank God, are ours to keep.”
As the song says “memories, light the corners of my mind”
I’m sure many people have said “in the power of your imagination …” I once did a group with a woman in San Francisco and this was one of her phrases. Now that I am a stroke survivor, it means so much more. Merriam-Webster dictionary has three definitions of imagination
- the ability to imagine things that are not real: the ability to form a picture in your mind of something that you have not seen or experienced
- the ability to think of new things
- something that only exists or happens in your mind
This is a big deal to me now as I use my imagination. The late John F. Kennedy stated that he was paraphrasing George Bernard Shaw when he delivered the line from the Serpent in Shaw’s play Back To Methuselah. “You see things; and you say, ‘Why?’ But I dream things that never were; and I say, ‘Why not?’”. We went to a reading of a new play for the Magic Theater. The actors sat around a table and read their parts. I thought it was a great experience. Since there was no scenery, we had to concentrate on the words and use our imagination about the setting. How fabulous is that? It’s a big reason why I like to read (and figured a way to read after the stroke)! I can imagine what the characters look like and create a setting. We went to a talk at Stanford recently and one of the speakers (Steve Palumbi) said “you don’t really care about the plot until you care about the characters”.
One of the things I really like about imagination is the concept that if we don’t see the benefits of what we imagined, we can always have or create a new imagination. There is a television version of the Roger and Hammerstein’s musical Cinderella and they have a song called “In my own little corner”. The words that are relevant here are “in my own little corner, in my own little chair, I can be whatever I want to be.” Twenty-five years ago when we moved into this house, I was concerned because the house was close to a freeway. I had never lived close to a freeway. I had lived in a house across the street from the ocean and I loved hearing the waves. That was a great memory for me. So I imagined the freeway sounds to be the constant hum of the ocean. The sounds of the freeway while I am in the house have never bothered me. Recently we had a few warm nights and we slept with the windows open and I could hear the freeway …. or was it the ocean?
Here’s another way imagination has been an important part of the stroke journey. I’ve mentioned before that with the stroke I lost my sense of smell and taste. It is slowly coming back (but not as strong as it was before). Over the past few years a woman has done some cooking for us among other things. She is a fabulous cook. She is aware of my past. Her presentation of food is amazing. I can see things, so she makes things look great on the plate to compensate for the lack of taste. I can imagine what things taste like. There is a picture going around about coloring that says “she couldn’t keep her colors inside the lines so, she drew new lines.” I would guess most people get the concept of drawing new lines (regardless of our current situation).
Remember the earlier quote? “in the power of your imagination”