This is a Spanish word and I’ve always found it to be one of those words where there isn’t a direct translation. I found one recently that likened it to courage, desire, fortitude; internal motivation inspiring a person to never quit. (Actually it’s just one of those words that I like to say.) We all need ganas. Did you ever watch the movie Stand and Deliver where the teacher Jaime Escalante talks about ganas? Something for us all to keep in mind.

Remember when I did the post on the 2012 World Series and I mentioned that song from the musical Damn Yankees, “You gotta have heart”? We got to see the musical when the comedian Jerry Lewis played Mr. Applegate. As I said before, I don’t think there’s a simple translation of “heart” and likewise there is not a word that easily translates “ganas”. It is one of the things that is needed in the stroke renewal process. It’s a balance of taking advantage of the things that go right even when lots of things go wrong. I think one of the great lines from that song is “We’ve got hope. We don’t sit around and mope.”

I love musicals. Now I’m realistic about things and I don’t see people breaking out in song as a part of life but I’ll share a real life experience I had about 15 years ago. I was working for a software company and a company in another country bought the product. I was sent to that country to help implement the software and to be part of the project team. I attended the team meetings and at one point there was a woman on the team who was trying to make a point about something. She was having a difficult time conveying her point and she asked us if she could do something a bit unconventional to get her point across. She sang the perspective! (Perfectly I might add.) That whole image has always stayed with me. She put other skills to use to make her point. That’s the part about ganas that makes sense to me. With that experience I saw a new definition of hope. Now years later, I think about that experience and apply it to life today after a stroke. I don’t recall if she used different words or if it was just her singing. (I’ll add the part about all the rest of us on the team got an opportunity to use different skills to “hear” the point!)

I’m reading Cursed Child — the latest Harry Potter book. (I’m not that thrilled with the plot, but that’s another story. I am a huge Harry Potter/J.K. Rowling fan so I’m sticking with it. It’s not the writing by the way.) It’s actually the script of a play that is being put on in London. Matt is a board trustee of a theater in San Francisco, so I’ve had some experience reading plays. We get copies of each script for the plays that they put on. It is a different experience than reading a book. It requires additional visualization from reading a novel. When I read a story in a book there are many aspects I can ignore or overlook. They just aren’t important to me. When I read a play, I have to visualize things a little different. I include this concept here because I believe we have all the tools we need, but we need to use them in a different way.

Sometime ago I mentioned a non-profit organization called Rebuilding Together Peninsula. Matt continues to be active with them and Oracle is one of the local corporate sponsors. They are a national service but there are many regional chapters. They transform homes, schools and community facilities. I love that organization. They have a public service announcement with the actor Morgan Freeman and one of the first things he says is “what does hope look like?” I am really taken by that statement because we all define hope differently. Here’s an organization that uses rebuilding existing facilities to provide hope. I also value that they focus on existing facilities.

After I had the stroke and I could read, one of the first books I read was My Stroke of Insight by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor. (She is a Harvard-trained neuroanatomist who experienced a severe hemorrhage in the left hemisphere of her brain in 1996 at age 37.) The source of her stroke was also an AVM. Shortly after reading that book, I watched an interview with her about the book. Somebody was speaking about how they got the whole aspect of dignity from reading that book. Hope and dignity are great starts to translating ganas. I love that statement by Jaime Escalante where he says “students will rise to the level of expectations”. (The movie Stand and Deliver is a based on true story.)

In the back yard we have a mirror. We probably hung it up there 20 years ago. One doesn’t even notice it. There was no particular reason I hung it there many years ago. I just saw it as an entry to another place — one we generally don’t think about. Occasionally we have a bird fly up to the mirror and make contact, until they realize that it is a mirror and stop. But this year we have had the same bird repeatedly come up and make contact with the mirror. Pecking at the mirror. It is funny (I’m sure not for the bird) but it makes me think about ganas. There’s a saying about insanity, that it is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. What if that one time occurs? Another great start in translating ganas.

Two things have stood out to me lately. The first being the lyrics in The Fight Song by Rachel Platten where it says “I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion”. The other is during the Olympic games, Maya Angelou recited her poem The Human Family, in a commercial for the iPhone. What a treat! I love the last line of the poem which states “we are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike”.

Do you have ganas?

“This being human is a guest house.” Rumi

The Rumi poem The Guest House is one of our favorites. It’s fitting I mention this as I get to the 11-year anniversary (August 15, 2016) of the stroke and that I think about the future but I equally honor the past. I mentioned a few months ago that I love those Hallmark Channel movies. I saw one recently that took place at a charming inn. That reminded me of a bed and breakfast that Matt and I used to go to in the town of Gualala. It’s on the California coast between Mendocino and Sea Ranch. It was called The Old Milano Hotel. It was a hotel from 1905 that had been remodeled for private residential use several times, usually with little sympathy to its origins. Historical research, restoration drawings and phased construction converted the house back into a country inn and obtained it a place on the National Register of Historic Places. The historic Old Milano Hotel burned down completely in 2001. While that whole thing really saddens me, I am thrilled and honored we got to share it. It puts the guest/guest house thing into perspective.

My favorite Mexican dish is Mole Poblano. Somebody recently asked me about a translation for “mole” and I wasn’t sure but I said sauce. I looked it up. Mole is Mexico’s national dish and it is simply a sauce. Although many believe the word comes from the Spanish word moler meaning “to grind”, it actually comes from the Nahuati (Aztec) word molli meaning sauce or mixture. The flavors are sweet, nutty, roasted and slightly bitter. I don’t ask Matt to fix Mole, not because it’s complicated but because it takes a lot of ingredients to make that flavor. I describe it as a chocolate sauce with hot peppers that make that complex savory flavor. Mole comes from the southern region of Mexico where there is a heavy Amerindian influence and chocolate is used in both sweet and savory dishes. However, the frequent translation of mole to mean “chocolate sauce” is incorrect, as only a small percentage of moles use chocolate. Although the mole has pre-Columbian roots and the word comes from the Aztec language, it is highly doubtful that the Aztecs ever would have used chocolate in a savory recipe. Experimenting with chocolate came in the seventeenth century, after the Spanish conquest. It’s served with chicken traditionally and it’s a party in your mouth! My mother used to fix it for us when we were younger. These are flavors that you would not normally associate with each other. My mother tells me that these days you can find the mole sauce in the grocery store that is already prepared! I love this idea. It may be easier to see the value of new things when we have the mindset of a guest in the guest house!

Matt got me the book Big 50: San Francisco Giants by Daniel Brown. He is a local sports writer. It’s an amazing look at the 50 men and moments that have made the San Francisco Giants. I probably would have picked the same 50. When I got the book, one of the first things I did was look at the Table of Contents to see what someone had as their 50 items. While it’s important to focus on the future and present, we also need to acknowledge those things that have made the past significant. History is an important part of who we are! The first chapter or number 1 is Willie Mays (of course)! I would have had that as number 1 also. The chapter includes a story about Willie that most fans know, in that “he always wore his cap size a little bit larger so it would fly off when he was running” the late Giants pitcher Stu Miller said. “But that’s what his idea was — to please the crowd.” Now that is a great image! When most people see Willie Mays running in their mind, they always see that hat flying off. He had style! Another chapter is on Willie McCovey. How great is that? The Giants have two great Willies in their history. This is part two of that Wille Mays autographed baseball story I mentioned a few months ago. My parents had a neighbor who said her business was sponsoring a day for Willie McCovey to go to Fresno to sign autographs. She asked them if they wanted his autograph because she thought she could get it. My mother told her about the Willie Mays autograph and she said she would take that ball to Willie McCovey and see what she could do. He took a look at it and remarked about Willie Mays’ signature and autographed it. A baseball with both Willie’s autographs. How cool is that? Two Willies! I know the whole history thing has been a big part of my attraction to baseball and the SF Giants. I love that the team has maintained the whole important part of history. It’s also a major thing for me how baseball uses their farm system to maintain an active roster! I know it’s a drag when somebody gets hurt, but I’m impressed with how teams use the farm system and disabled list to maintain the active roster. Just like a stroke and brain plasticity.

I’ll share a significant pre-stroke memory. I used to have dreams of flying in my car long before I had the stroke. So we know that’s not realistic (cars only fly in Harry Potter movies) but nevertheless it is a memory that I have. I know many will analyze this but today I don’t drive so being in a flying car is an amazing feeling. That memory always makes me think of memories that stroke survivors have. Remember how I mentioned the fact that we get so exited when we are on a roller coaster? There is no difference in our bodies’ reaction when we are excited or we are afraid.

A big part of these 11 years has been focusing on how life is/can be now after the stroke. It may not be this way for many people, but for me history is a big part of the future. I have great memories of myself prior to the stroke. It was a treat. But it is the past — good and bad. Mary Engelbreit has a quote that says “let’s put the fun back in dysfunctional”! I have always loved this saying. It’s important that we keep perspective.

Being a good guest is important to me.

Hiraeth (pronounced with a fast ‘HEER’ and a soft ‘eyeth’) is a Welsh word for which there is no direct English translation. It is defined as a homesickness tinged with grief or sadness over the lost or departed. It is a mix of longing, yearning, wistfulness or an ernest desire for something in the past. I hadn’t heard this word before. I recently heard it in the HBO documentary about Gloria Vanderbilt (Nothing Left Unsaid). I was quite taken by the word and did some research. This is a great way to describe the whole stroke experience. A bit scary but realistic as far as I’m concerned. We may/may not know for what we long and may/may not have experienced it, but we know it’s there. On the first year anniversary of my stroke, I had an appointment to see one of the surgeons who had worked on my AVM. In the course of the conversation, he asked me what I wanted and I said “to be normal” and he replied, “so what is normal?”

Every year before the baseball season starts, we have a family tradition of watching the movie Bulll Durham. I love that movie. It’s mostly about the farm league of a baseball team but details some things that one has to go through in preparation for the major league. The “show” as they refer to it. Many of the tasks are funny but it is a lot of work. I can name many scenes in the movie which I really like but two of them are the “rain out” scene (a great example of thinking out of the box) and when Nuke says he wants to “announce my presence with authority”. I love that phrase mostly because I feel we all want to announce our presence with authority! I know I do. I believe we can. It may not look like we thought.

I had a feeding tube for a long time after the stroke and the whole concept of eating was something I had to relearn. The first time I went to an event where there were other stroke survivors and a meal, I saw the effort it took for stroke survivors to eat. While I was still self-conscious during the process, because I had seen the effort of other stroke survivors eating, I knew I wasn’t alone. So the whole process of eating is still a challenge but at least I know many have struggles like I do. I’ve talked about my ataxia (which is worse on my right side) so I have had to learn to eat left-handed and that means picking a seat when we eat out where I can eat comfortably with my left hand.

There is a show on TV that I watch called Mexico: One Plate at a Time (with the chef Rick Bayless). It’s considered a cooking show, but I see it as much more. One sees many aspects of Mexico through food. I love the title. Especially after getting to redesign myself, I do it slowly — one skill at a time. Even though I don’t taste everything, I love seeing the mix of ingredients. One can see the progression of the culture. Most of us have an idea of Mexican food. They feature the different areas and the food from those areas. Much of what they feature is the “fusion” of various cultures — traditional with a twist! We can see that in the food. How great is that? We know so much more today. I’ll liken it to my AVM/stroke. We know so much more today than when I had the stroke. We’ve always known about hemorrhagic or bleeding strokes. When I had my stroke, the doctors decided to cauterize the veins to reduce or eliminate the blood that was seeping into my brain. They were using a type of superglue but there was a new substance that would immediately harden when it was exposed to blood. That’s what they decided to use on my AVM. It was very new at the time and they were mixing the substance and then driving it down the freeway to the hospital as I was in surgery. So the whole element of progress is an important thing to me. While it is important to look to the past, there is a great deal in looking to the future!

Some time ago I mentioned a poem by David Whyte called The Well of Grief. It is in a selection called  Where Many Rivers Meet. I don’t know when it was written, but I first heard it about 20 years ago. This is the poem.

Those who will not slip beneath
the still surface on the well of grief
turning downwards through its black water
to the place we cannot breathe
will never know the source from which we drink,
the secret water, cold and clear,
nor find in the darkness glimmering
the small round coins
thrown by those who wished for something else.

I love the images of this poem. I see the stroke in many aspects of life — music, TV shows, movies, songs, books, sports, theatre, people, activities, etc. They are all stories. They are not necessarily my small round coins but serve as a reminder of life. Like many other people who have had life turn out differently than they thought, I don’t imagine what could have been. I have too many things to focus on right now rather than to spend my energy thinking about what could have been. There are no ‘if onlys’ in life! You’ve heard the saying “there’s no point crying over spilt milk”.

Still throwing small round coins!

The dictionary defines “caddywhompus” as crooked, uneven, broken and/or side-ways. Doesn’t that sound like a stroke? I like the way the word sounds!

When Coors Field opened in 1995, I was working in the Denver, Colorado area and since I am a huge baseball fan, I decided to check out the new ballpark. I would put it as one of the new ballparks that was revitalizing the downtown area of a city. I wanted to see what it had done to downtown Denver. Coors Field is the home of the Colorado Rockies and when Major League Baseball granted the city of Denver a team, the baseball team played at the old Mile High Stadium — a football stadium. They had not had a Major League team before. After they started building the park, they modified the plans a bit. Mile High is a football field and everyone was surprised at how many people in the Denver area went to a Major League Baseball game. If you’ve spent time in the Denver area, you know that the high altitude makes a difference. (For those unfamiliar with the area, Denver is considered the mile high city — over 5,200 feet or 1.6 kilometers above sea level.) Strategy became an important part of the whole baseball experience. Rockies players as well as members of the visiting teams had a new element in the game of baseball. As I said I wanted to see the new ballpark so when I had a gig in the area, I got a ticket for a game. I had a great seat. I got out of work a little early and decided to take a nap in my hotel room before I went to the night game. I slept a little longer than I expected so I hurried to go to the game. I was thrilled to be there! I wanted to see the ballpark and walked all over. I loved it! When the game was over, I went back to my room and was mortified when I looked in the mirror and saw that the whole time I was at the ballpark and walking around, my shirt was inside out! (Why didn’t anybody tell me? What would they have said? Hey lady, your shirt is on inside out — it was caddywhompus!) I was at the ballpark and I would probably not see those people again.

Some time ago, I mentioned the Japanese practice of kintsugi — golden journey. Billie Mobayed has a great image which tells us “when the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history, it becomes more beautiful.” I love this concept. Isn’t that a great way to deal with caddywhompus of a stroke?

One of the things that I have really liked about therapy is the idea of using everyday things to rebuild different skills. While therapy has been a lot of work, we’ve used blowing bubbles (speech therapy), kicking a ball (physical therapy) and making banana bread (occupational therapy) for various skill building. I won’t say therapy has been fun, but I give heaps of credit to all therapists for the work they do when things are caddywhompus!

I’ve mentioned a book called Wisdom of the Last Farmer by David Mas Masumoto. His family has an organic fruit farm in the Central Valley of Calfornia. He wrote the book about changes to the family and farm after his father had a stroke. He has a chapter called Learning to Lean, Walking On Uneven Ground. That picture has stayed with me during this whole journey — an every day task! Months after I had the stroke, I was in water therapy. I was never a strong swimmer before the stroke but that’s another story. (I know I was a rock in a previous life.) I remember distinctly all the things we did in water therapy. It was at that point that a light bulb went on about the stroke, I had an ah-ha moment …. I would have to learn to swim again. I was caddywhompus!

I hadn’t heard the word caddywhompus in ages. I recently heard it on a Hallmark TV movie called The Bridge. (I love those Hallmark movies!) Lots of things go on in the movie but one of the themes is the quote “I would do anything for you, sir. Anything that was right” from the novel Jane Eyre (when Jane is talking to Mr. Rochester). I can totally relate. There are many things I do post-stroke … just because, it’s right. Here’s a post stroke story that is a great example. Several years ago, Matt and the boys attended a music festival in another state. Someone took a fabulous picture of the three of them and Matt sent me the .jpeg. I loved the picture and there is a great story with it! I decided to give the picture to Matt as a gift, but since I don’t drive, this was going to be tricky. I sent an e-mail to one of the local photography places in town and explained my situation. Someone responded and said they don’t usually do this kind of thing, but he would do it and could I give him some direction. I sent him the .jpeg. He picked a frame, mat and printed the picture. He said he would leave it at the front desk under my name. I had a friend pick it up and she brought it to me when Matt was traveling. Matt was very surprised by the whole thing and we keep that picture handy so we can see it all the time. So see, sometimes in order to do “anything”, we have to ask for help.

Here’s another thing about caddywhompus — have you heard the phrase “there are two sides to every story”? Once when I was in Speech Therapy, I was working on a skill and the therapist asked me to repeat what I said. My response was “I know what I’m saying!” She just looked at me and smiled as she said “yes, but does the other person?” Another ah-ha!

Constantly looking for gold